holy toledo batman. has it really been a year since I found out I was pregnant?!
Somehow it feels like it was last week when I peed on that stick, couldn't read between the lines, and ran to the grocery store to buy a digital stick that would tell me straight up.
but, it also feels like eons ago because now - here I am! mama of a baby boy and everything!
So, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on the past year...because, it's safe to say that a lot has happened :)
PREGNANCY
i LOVED being pregnant. Sure, there was some back pain, heartburn, sleepless nights, and many trips the loo. But somehow it was still such a fun and exhilarating experience. I miss it! I remember telling J one week before delivery that I felt like I could be pregnant for 5 more months! I never hit the wall of 'get this baby out of me NOW or so help me!' - I never felt 'done' with my pregnancy. I seriously just loved every single bit of it.
Did I love getting stretch marks and gaining 38 pounds? Ehhhh, depends on the day you ask me... :)
BUT - When I first found out that there was a little human growing inside of me, I was terrified. I was incredibly stressed and couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant so fast. J & I literally had NO idea what we would do for insurance, let alone where we would be living when it was time for our baby to be born. It was so hard for me to accept such a big life event, when I felt like we were completely unprepared and definitely not ready for it. I felt guilty for the way that I felt - I didn't tell many people that in fact I wasn't completely happy, and instead was absolutely terrified and on the fence about whether or not I wanted this to be happening in my life at the moment.
But then, I got over my stress and enjoyed the journey. Cliche, maybe, but true.
Things magically fell into place regarding insurance, living circumstances, etc. Plus, I had J who was and always has been my rock. He was always so excited and never doubted whether or not this was the right thing for our family. Bless his heart. AND - he treated me like an absolute queen. He pulled off my skinny jeans when I could no longer bend over to shimmy them past my ankles. He ran to the store to satisfy my every craving. He went to HYPNOBIRTHING classes with me, for crying out loud! He truly is the best.
LABOR + DELIVERY
oh my goodness hands down the best thing I have ever done in my life. I loved it. I miss it. I cannot wait to do it again. Seriously, this was such an amazing experience!
JD surprised us by coming to us 10 days early. Initially this was slightly shocking, and despite the excitement of knowing our baby was coming to us so soon, I was a little sad that we weren't able to experience baby coming all on his own. I was so excited to experience the moment my water broke, or my first contraction at home, and to be able to have my sister in the delivery room with us to hopefully snap some precious pictures of those first moments - but that wasn't in the cards for us this round. And you know what? I still LOVED the experience we had! If I can opt for cervadil every time, you bet your bottom that I'll take it! Even though we had to jumpstart labor, I loved preparing for my natural birth and seeing that dream come to life - the human body is amazing!!! I had a moment where I didn't believe I could do it - but JD knew I could, so even when I broke down and asked for the epidural, he helped me go on without one! I don't consider my birth 'better' than anyone else's - but for me I am so happy that I was able to achieve my goal and see how powerful and strong my body is.
Another thing we will do every time is not find out the gender! It was SO thrilling to have the gender be a surprise til the very end. I think it was a huge motivator through delivery, and throughout the entire pregnancy. The moment J told me that we had a little boy was the most beautiful moment of my life. My heart was overjoyed and I couldn't help the tears streaming down my face. Then I got to hold that perfect little angel and we were finally together as a family of three. Nothing has ever felt more perfect or whole.
AND THEN, our baby boy instinctively crawled to my breast. This was just so fascinating to me! How on earth did he know where to go?! How to latch?! How to eat?! Oh, this moment overpowers me with love and how perfectly our Father in Heaven's plan is for each of us. Life is truly so beautiful.
MOTHERHOOD
And now... Motherhood. This transition has been - odd? I don't know the best word to describe it... On one hand, everything has felt so incredibly natural to me. I know how to care for my son. How to soothe him. How to help him figure out a schedule. Breastfeeding has been a breeze (such a blessing!). No, JD didn't sleep through the night at first, but I am still standing on two feet! and he is finally giving me 11 hour stretches! But on the other hand, it has been so strange to see this new role evolve in front of me. I never pictured myself or planned to be a working mother. But then I found myself in an incredible major, which led me to an even more incredible job. And I love work! Don't get me wrong, I love love love my baby and my family more than absolutely anything. But I love the balance that work brings into my life, and the way that things have fallen into place is only a testament to us that this is what is right for our family. Of course, none of this would be possible without Justin, who is willing to watch JD while I am at work, which means he totes him along to grad school. I don't know how he manages it - he truly is amazeballs.
Back to me and motherhood... I haven't felt overwhelmed or helpless or depressed. And I know all of this is a huge blessing. But, all this aside - I have days where I am not confident in myself. Where I hate my appearance. My stretch marks. That pooch coming out from my tummy. How my pants squeeze every curve of my thighs and booty (and I'm too proud to just go buy a size up). The muffin-top. The extra layer of pudge I can still see around my face. And the worst part of this may be that I am completely unmotivated to change any of it! Pass me another bowl of ice cream, please.
But then, there are days when I feel extremely confident.
Heck, I am a working mother! My milk supply is keeping up, even with all the pumping I do at work. My boss was understanding enough to let me work from home T/Th. J's teachers let him bring JD to classes! I love that I am both a working and stay-at-home mother. These are the days when I can't help but repeat 'I rock' and thank my Heavenly Father every hour on the hour for the help he is giving me and for the beautiful baby boy he graced us with. JD is SO much fun - I love watching him grow! It is so amazing because every.single.day he discovers something new. Plus, his smile and laugh just melt me! I love how cuddly he is and how he just burrows into my chest and will wrap his hand around my neck or grab my chin. He is so sweet - sure he has rough moments - but I know he is an easy baby and that we are so blessed. The next baby is going to slap us straight in the face :)
